This guide really only applies to people who work in cubicles and otherwise standard offices.  If you work construction or hold some other kind of labour intensive profession I have no idea how you’ll survive, sorry.

It is hugely important to arrive on time to avoid any curious eyes because you probably smell awful and look worse.  Being on time is crucial and is worth sacrificing any stop en route for hangover cures or to stick your head into an alley and violently throw up begging for mercy.  If you are able to slip into your cubicle undetected – you’re fine.  Sit low and compose yourself for the worst 4-5 hours of your life.  Should you run into any coworker who isn’t down and understands the struggle, keep conversation brief and topical.  Don’t bring up anything that can lead to a lengthier conversation.  Your goal is to be at your desk of moderate, Ikea comfort as quickly as possible.  If it’s Friday, say “hey, thank goodness it’s Friday, eh Frank!” Quick slap on the back and you move.

Once at your desk your immediate goal is to manage your body temperature.  If someone walks by and you’re shivering cold or sweating profusely, they’ll know something is up. Once comfortable, analyze the situation.  Turn on your computer and open Microsoft Outlook or Entourage.  You need to open a number of different folders on your computer to look busy and absorbed.  Following the construction of your false work display, you’ll need to focus your efforts on resources.  Hangover survival is based on a time tested tradition of three things: hydration, sustenance, caffeine.  This can prove to be your most difficult task as it requires moving from your desk to the kitchen which puts you in an exposed, vulnerable position. However, the need to fulfill the survival trifecta greatly outweighs the likelihood that you can survive at your desk for the remainder of the day.

Ideally your kitchen is in good enough condition that you’re able to make a cup of coffee and a cold glass of water.  When retreating back to your desk feel free to comment on how you’re countering the dehydration effects of coffee.  People in offices are obsessed with two things: health and weather.  Directing any conversation to either of these topics can divert any attention from you and towards important topics like salt water flushes and how long someone’s commute was because of the snow.

From here on out it’s survival of the fittest.  You need to keep your cool and a nice, low profile.  If the whole office is heading out for a long lunch (which probably includes beer), politely decline and take the hour+ to browse Buzzfeed and look at pictures of cats.  By the time 5pm rolls around you’ll feel like you’ve just survived the gladiator coliseum and that the whole day felt like one big, hazy dream.  Go home and rest up, it’s almost the weekend.

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One doesn’t have to look hard to find somebody complaining about a favourite media property being rebooted, or given an unnecessary sequel, or adding a new character to a well-established mythology. The new film The Muppets does all three of these things, but that the makers are upfront with their concerns about it is what makes the movie kind of interesting.

The first half of The Muppets is basically the same as the first half of D2: The Mighty Ducks, albeit with fewer knuckle pucks and duck whistles. Instead of Gordon Bombay and Charlie Conway, however, new Muppet Walter and infamous Muppet Kermit the Frog are getting the gang together to beat Iceland at the Junior Goodwill Games raise $10 million to save their old studio from Ted Richman, played by a rapping Chris Cooper. As the only Muppet growing up, Walter always felt left out – despite his brother Gary’s (co-writer Jason Segel) best efforts – and the Muppets’ existence always gave him hope that he could one day fit in. It’s all very corny, but The Muppets is at its core a movie for kids. It’s a pretty good one, but there will be times when adults such as myself could go without another song about trying to fit in. The Muppets is hit or miss throughout because of this, but the hits are golden. 1980s Robot provides a couple of big laughs, and Emily Blunt vs. the Muppet Man is one of my favourite sight gags since David Brent revealed what he was wearing while being fired. The Muppets featured a number of celebrity cameos, from Selena Gomez to (oddly) Judd Hirsch, and the cast was generally pretty stacked. Segel even talked Rashida Jones into reprising her role as ‘sassy business woman with perfect skin who exclusively says expository things,’ as previously seen in The Social Network. But the success of The Muppets all comes down to something as simple as just seeing Kermit the Frog onscreen.

Throughout The Muppets, Kermit seems reticent to partake in a telethon to save the Muppet Studio, mostly because he isn’t sure that people really want to see the Muppets again. This was interesting for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it seemed like an obvious property to be brought back to life. I mean… everybody loves the Muppets. I can’t be the only person who has watched an episode of Martha Stewart Living simply because I noticed Miss Piggy was a guest who was talking to Martha about silver metallic dragees, right? And judging by what I’ve read online, or the sounds of the people in my theatre last night, people do love the Muppets. In fact, making a Muppet movie about Kermit being worried about the relevancy of the Muppets is precisely why we love them; the Muppets are an extremely postmodern bunch, but they still come back to the simplest things that everybody likes. Humour. Celebrity cameos. Music. Extremely basic, but entirely human emotions. Also, adorable puppets… We fucking love adorable puppets.

By the end of The Muppets, it becomes clear that the movie was pretty much a feeler for how badly the world wants some more material from The Muppets. It appears that there is now a television show in the works, although it is not the reincarnation of The Muppet Show that was discussed (and Segel seemed to hope for) back in 2008 when the film was announced. The movie was produced at a fairly low budget, all things considered, and it made that back in its opening weekend. We were bombarded by advertisements for it to ensure this, yes, but they were entertaining advertisements. These weren’t just the best shots of the movie being strung together with Hans Zimmer’s Inception theme playing. Trailers to The Muppets were well thought out parodies of movies like Inception, or ads that made fun of how advertising works. They were old, classic ideas simply looked at in a way that made them a bit more unique than usual. And now, with the success of the film, there will surely be more Muppets products in the coming years, just like there will be countless other reboots, reimaginings, and rethinking of old properties. At least the Muppets had the decency to ask us if we wanted this one, even though they almost certainly shouldn’t have.

Alex writes about film and pop culture over at The MacGuffin Men. You can subscribe to his weekly podcast with James here, follow them on Twitter, or continue to read about his trips to the cinema at Songs & Cigarettes.

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A few moons back, two S&Cers took to the unknown delights of Bloor West (but, like, real WEST, you guys) for a night with none other than the heart stringer himself, Shane Koyczan.

Shit got heavy.

We rolled in thinking it would be nothing more than an okay kind of evening. Then the realization came in a short verse: man is known as a beat poet, but, evidently, the moniker does little justice.

He tugs and pulls your fondest memories from the back of your mind, only to word them in the most brutally eloquent way, and serve them right back to you in horrible, wonderful rhythm. What’s more, he’s funny as hell; it was half stand up, half unbelievable nostalgia of first loves, family, and that kind of friendship only comparable to photographs (developed) from a time we are finding harder and harder to recall.

The man is unlike anyone I’ve ever seen live. It was exhausting, liberating, and the kind of night that you walk into the street at the show’s end wanting to be a better person.

Two additional notes:

• My sister (Who is beyond rad) set us up with the tickets. Upon saying hi to Shane and buying him a drink (as per sister’s demand), he threw out the most teddy bear like hug this cynical twenty-something has ever know. Simply, the guy has a heart as big as his build.
• Koyczan is currently penning the next Mad Max movie. So, he’s immortally better than anyone that has ever or will ever live.

Okay, feel something.

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In the MacGuffin Men’s first video episode, they take a look at 500 Days of Summer. Alex explains how the movie is all about males putting unreasonable expectations on women that they meet, and James explains how that same type of misperception has lead to the way 500 Days of Summer gets discussed by people who like it. Finally, they explain what this says about Zooey Deschanel’s career, as well as talking about Annie Hall a little bit.

The MacGuffin Men is a weekly podcast about film and pop culture, and past episodes can be found at their website, along with writing about film. You can also subscribe to them on iTunes, or follow them on Twitter.

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1. Students everywhere are routinely taught how to arrange pieces of information by teachers who are unaware of the possibility of pieces of information that are well-designed to be easily arranged.

(Source: http://goo.gl/0smwx)

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On May 10th, the MacGuffin Men will be premiering the first in a series of video podcasts. They will be vaguely interesting, sometimes a little humourous, and perhaps entirely self-indulgent. Since they live in a world that contractually requires absurd amounts of self-promotion, they have also made a trailer. If you are a fan of both film and self-indulgent things (and if you’re a Quentin Tarantino or Wes Anderson fan, you definitely are), check this out.

Until May 10th, kids.

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It’s been two years to the season folks! Time again for another album from those tattoo’d New Jersey  rockers to take our hearts and crush them under the unrelenting weight of nostalgia for better days that may or may not have ever actually happened.

Playing to previous promises, the track is on par with the act’s earlier work a la The ’59 Sound; that is, a more Jersey inspired sound, in-line with their mentor and going standard as the dad of rock n’ roll, Boss Springsteen. While 2010′s American Slang was touted as a much more Strummer inspired effort (and, yeah, a really great, albeit strayed from the proverbial course record), the return is well needed. It’s summertime in a few short weeks, friends, time to adopt a sound that will do the warmth some justice with the album the Jersey four-piece will surely be releasing.

*Knocks on wood*

And now, “45″ from the forthcoming – and wildly appropriately titled – Handwritten.

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