How the zombie apocalypse will happen: Bath salts and teenagers

Alright, you guys, things are starting to get weirdsies. Like, the exact type of strange that happens before the actual movie title smacks you in the face during a zombie outbreak movie. As if – at any moment – that weird droning noise will cut off your regularly scheduled programming with an emergency broadcast service. Here’s how it’s all going to go so very down.

Firstly, there are two major news stories that are somewhat dancing around each other at current: The bath salt epidemic sweeping America under a crazy hallucinogenic rug, and cannibalism becoming more en vogue than any trend Coachella could muster.

Okay. Alright. Bath salts. Let’s go.

Bath Salts 

“The drug produces a high similar to cocaine and amphetamine, with dangerous hallucinogenic properties.”

For those that have been playing too much Diablo 3 (or, for the ladies, watching Girls obsessively – which is fine, it’s not bad, right?!), a recent story out of Miami reported a man high on bath salts FOUND EATING ANOTHER MAN’S FACE. Rest easy though, you guys, the accused was shot and killed by one of Miami’s finest shortly thereafter – and it only took FOUR BULLETS. Thankfully, the victim survived and will likely tell people “I’m okay!” before turning into one of them and destroying the entirety of order in the United States.

The man, Rudy Eugene (or “Patient Zero”), has amassed an infamy as the face (sans pun) of the drug’s horrible side effects. Which, by the way, include: dangerously high body temperature, extreme paranoia, and vivid hallucinations. Which, you know, could be the scariest thing ever.

What’s more, bath salt related emergencies rose to more than 6,100 in 2011 for the US alone – which is up significantly from the 303 reported in 2010.

So, the drug is terrifying. Near impossible to track. Materials are still actually legal to get ahold of in some countries (namely Canada). And it turns users into terrifying embodiments of evil. Okay, moving on.

The Youth of Today

There’s no question that teenagers are terrifying. I mean, they do things like Jemkin, they can’t read or write (assumed, not proven), they listen to shitty music, and Kim Kardashian is the biggest thing ever. Thanks, idiots, what else can you screw up from the wonderland us products of the 80′s left you with when our adolescent clocks ran out? Oh, right, the rest of the world and everything else we hold dear.

A report of four students that overdosed on the drug in Grand Valley State University, Michigan stated “..the students in question were described as initially incoherent, and then laughing hysterically and acting violently.” It’s already hit the kids, you guys.

To make matters worse, they’ve already given the drug a bunch of terrible slang terms, such as “purple wave,” “zoom,” “vanilla sky,” and “cloud nine”.

So, instead of the old men in lab coats playing god story we might have expected, it’s going to undoubtably be the wayward youths that bring about the end of civilization as we know it.

We’ve determined the cause and the target group, so where will this all explode out of?

Blame Florida 

Like all great struggles of the past decade, we look to the sunshine state (“America’s wang”). Not only was Florida horribly crippled by the recession (another sign of the apocalypse, surely!), one of the most under educated states, and wildly Christian to boot, but they also hold four of the top ten ‘angriest cities’ in America, and the state’s own Penbroke Pines has the most dangerous intersection in the US.

Now, after the aforementioned CRAZY EVENT that went down in Miami, we can only assume this is where the next inhabitants – prior to their annual Hunger Games, of course – will look back and say “Florida ruined everything.” The most realistic theory (nothing to back that up by the way), is that the infected somehow get into the water supply, thereby spreading to the local marine life (jellyfish, tourists, all of it!), causing tourists (Disney World is a death trap!), fishing boats, and rich guys who wear poorly buttoned shirts and all white outfits on their yachts to make this thing go contagion on our asses.

Thanks, Florida.

Okay, we’ve covered the roots. Now, what can we expect from here on out? Well…


The most terrifying thing of all.

Because the drug seems to follow similar side-effects to that of both cocaine and methamphetamine, the bringers of the apocalypse are going to be both menacing and invincible. Our only hope is that the mandatory gym physical education classes didn’t take and we’re at least able to outrun the odd tubby teen zombie should fate see us live another day.


Plan your escape routes. Keep your doors locked. Listen to “Call Me, Maybe” as many times as you can before they cut the power, and pray to god we can hold them off long enough for another season of Game of Thrones.

Okay, jokes aside, what the hell is happening?


  • Liam

    Wicked article, Braden.  Great writing. Laughed a lot. I hope the zombies don’t think I was laughing at them.